14.10.11: Bad mother day

Today I feel like a bad mother. I am mentally distracted, preoccupied, and stressed. I feel like running. Away or just running. Expend some of this restless energy. In this state of mind, timmy doesn’t figure. I am more irritated with each cry. Each call makes me want to snap and say things he won’t even understand, except the tone which he will get and respond to. Soon we will both be caught up in this dance of annoyance. He won’t eat easily, won’t sleep quickly and will generally just not cooperate at all.

Days like these unleash their fury on unsuspecting mothers and babies, who shrink under this influence. They cower, afraid of the outcome of this disastrous day, which will leave them weak and depleted. With nowhere to run they turn on each other. One cry of protest leads to a word of anger and from there it spirals out of control.

Mostly these are a result not of Timmy but of me. He has never been a very difficult baby, which makes my digressions into monster mom even more painful to swallow, for me. Starting from the day when he was just 10 days old, lying peacefully in his cot, I remember losing control almost completely. I turned on Sam ruthlessly and expressed my frustration in many colorful ways, some of which I am still embarrassed about. His calm soothing voice affronted me even more and I spewed more insensible nonsense. I remember angrily walking out, trying to call a friend to come pick me up because I just couldn’t be in the confines of that apartment with a baby a husband and parents in law. Later I was hit with a wave of guilt at how easily I was able to disregard poor innocent Timmy.

Once I became more comfortable in my new skin I realized that what we go through on an almost daily basis is incomprehensible for men and therefore turning to friends was essential. Sharing was imperative. The only way I was able to step away from my angst-ridden alter ego was to hear someone tell me just how normal it was. How absolutely regular. How not earth-shattering but in fact so primal and basic. This was just another layer to add to our brilliantly complex make up as women. Nothing to apologize for.

14.10.11: Bad mother day

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