24.10.11: The Power of 2.

2 lies

grades in o levels and a levels matter

blood is thicker than water

 

2 truths

if you keep the faith you will survive and be positive

you can be as happy as you choose to be

 

2 dreams

to be an inspiration. as a designer/thinker/mother/wife/individual/writer/photographer

to own a retail space 

 

2 failures

not having accomplished enough

not getting agitated enough to react

 

2 loves

sweet things (preferably not chocolate)

life

 

 

 

 

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24.10.11: The Power of 2.

23.10.11: my pessimism

More often than not I manage to find something positive in any given scenario but there are moments when I have felt that things are beyond hope. These are thankfully quickly passing clouds which appear suddenly but don’t really stay.

These phases don’t necessarily come from negativity but from a deep-rooted fear. A fear that things won’t turn out the way I want them to, and I will be a helpless bystander in my own life. Completely irrational though this behaviour may be I find myself getting sucked into this whirl of pessimism. I question my purpose, my direction, my diligence or lack of, and constantly worry I am not doing enough. This leads to a point of hyperventilating from where I have to safely but surely be guided back into normalcy.

It is easy to doubt outcomes and worry about the future. It is simply too easy to look at the degeneration around us and believe the absolute worst. We have to surround ourselves with people who will always be there holding a glass half full of water waiting for us to take a few sips and recover our usual positive outlook, and not with people who feed off us and encourage a sense of despair, who are more upset than us, more reactionary, and definitely more negative than us.

23.10.11: my pessimism

14.10.11: Bad mother day

Today I feel like a bad mother. I am mentally distracted, preoccupied, and stressed. I feel like running. Away or just running. Expend some of this restless energy. In this state of mind, timmy doesn’t figure. I am more irritated with each cry. Each call makes me want to snap and say things he won’t even understand, except the tone which he will get and respond to. Soon we will both be caught up in this dance of annoyance. He won’t eat easily, won’t sleep quickly and will generally just not cooperate at all.

Days like these unleash their fury on unsuspecting mothers and babies, who shrink under this influence. They cower, afraid of the outcome of this disastrous day, which will leave them weak and depleted. With nowhere to run they turn on each other. One cry of protest leads to a word of anger and from there it spirals out of control.

Mostly these are a result not of Timmy but of me. He has never been a very difficult baby, which makes my digressions into monster mom even more painful to swallow, for me. Starting from the day when he was just 10 days old, lying peacefully in his cot, I remember losing control almost completely. I turned on Sam ruthlessly and expressed my frustration in many colorful ways, some of which I am still embarrassed about. His calm soothing voice affronted me even more and I spewed more insensible nonsense. I remember angrily walking out, trying to call a friend to come pick me up because I just couldn’t be in the confines of that apartment with a baby a husband and parents in law. Later I was hit with a wave of guilt at how easily I was able to disregard poor innocent Timmy.

Once I became more comfortable in my new skin I realized that what we go through on an almost daily basis is incomprehensible for men and therefore turning to friends was essential. Sharing was imperative. The only way I was able to step away from my angst-ridden alter ego was to hear someone tell me just how normal it was. How absolutely regular. How not earth-shattering but in fact so primal and basic. This was just another layer to add to our brilliantly complex make up as women. Nothing to apologize for.

14.10.11: Bad mother day

12.10.11- Unfinished Business

I never really subscribed to the theory that each chapter of your life must have a comprehensive end before the next one starts. I can easily keep a part of my story on hold knowing i will eventually come back to it and give it the right end it deserves, but till i can do that, it stays slightly unfinished. You know how it is. Sometimes you meet someone and though nothing really happens, you somehow just know you aren’t done with them, and lo and behold a few years later they come waltzing back in. You spend a few years working on a particular project/profession/style and it has to end because the time just isnt right, but who’s to say you wont be able to pick that up later in life and continue where you left off? It can become one of your sinfully illicit affairs-sitting and day dreaming about it, imagining, wondering, and just getting really excited playing out your reunion.

For me this theory has to hold, because one of the things which gives me a huge kick, actually gets really me excited, is something i feel i haven’t done justice to. I need to believe that i am not done with that and it is in fact unfinished business.

12.10.11- Unfinished Business

12th October: New Beginnings

The story goes something like this. Whenever you are at a strange, complicated impasse or find yourself facing a rapidly blinking closed sign, your mind chooses to switch off and wipes its memory clean to allow you to resurface with a fresh approach and a brand new life. We have all found ourselves at similar crossroads, when our best-laid plans have gone awry and there is nothing to do except admit defeat and begin again. Sometimes nature gifts us with an unexpected form of wipe-the-slate-clean. A new born suddenly reminds us what is really important and we shift our perspective, a clean start and we are off. Losing a job though painful shows us the potential we have in us. so and and so forth.

these forced chapter changes are liberating and amazing, but what happens when you need to do that for yourself.

we spend so much time talking about our deepest thoughts, how to move towards that elusive life goal and how to create a more accomplished, challenging, peaceful life for ourselves, but not enough discussion focuses on how to know when to stop and pull back. Who decides this is not working, this is a waste of time- who tells us we have become too bitter, too depressed, too oblivious, too delirious, too committed? When do we look around and say this is not where i want to be and walk away? Most importantly how do we do that.

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets. ‘ says Henry Kissinger.

That then is the key for me. If i always stay connected with myself, know my wants and desires well, understand what i can do with and what i cant do without, keep close to my friends for their advice sometimes is better than my own, then maybe i will be able to stop, delete and refresh. Just maybe i will be powerful enough to create a little force to start afresh, pack up the baggage, put away the work that is sapping me, throw away the key to those annoying interfering doubts, and keep reinventing myself. Changing enough to be new and exciting, but not so much that i stop being myself.

‘ Interruptions can be viewed as sources of irritation or opportunities for service, as moments lost or experience gained, as time wasted or horizons widened. They can annoy us or enrich us, get under our skin or give us a shot in the arm. Monopolize our minutes or spice our schedules, depending on our attitude toward them.‘william arthur ward.


12th October: New Beginnings

11th October: When I Lied- rather when i lie.

I have been told i have this strange aversion to sharing what some of my retail acquisitions cost. It isn’t that i have issues being judged by people, and it definitely isn’t about trying to make myself seem more of a bargain-shopper. Someone asks me how much my new pair of heels cost and BAM without a second’s hesitation i lie. My husband asks if i used the card to make any purchases and though i know i will be caught out when the bill arrives, at that moment, i shake my head and say no very indignantly. I have also been known to come back from a day at the mall and hide some of my shopping bags so that the impression my husband gets is not of of a mad woman set loose with cash in her hand, but that of a sensible house planner who needs to prioritize and spend her budget wisely.

It is a strange compulsion and one that befuddles me, i want to answer truthfully, but ask me if i went shopping today and my response will be quick-fire- NO.

 

11th October: When I Lied- rather when i lie.

10th October: Favourite Room / Space

Predictable i suppose but its true, my favourite place in the house right now is the living area. It’s where i am always surrounded by things i love, people i love and i think i have all my means of enjoyment right there. It is also the room which has been given the most amount of loving attention. being design people we are so particular about the visual impression people get of our space that its almost crucial for us to have it looking just so.

My day usually begins on the big brown sofa where i sit with my feet up and enjoy my morning cup of tea and a lovely buttered toast. I could watch tv but more often than not now i find i want silence and a book or my latest toy, the ipad. Catch up on the twitter world or read blogs. If i havent managed to wake up before my little Tim, then silence is out and noise, baby tv and lots of toys are in.

What i love most are the big open windows which mean a lot of light during the day and at night you can turn off your lights and enjoy looking at other people’s windows, imagine their life, try to see what their rooms look like and just observe. My husband’s fascination in this room is with the view which looks down on the swimming pool. needless to say he can be entertained endlessly by the variety of people splashing in and out of the pool.

In my last home, my absolutely favourite room was my bedroom because i had just 2 rooms and going into the bedroom, closing the door meant shutting out the world and it felt so wonderfully comforting to be inside with the lamp on reading or watching tv. Here the bedroom is off limits so much because of Tim’s sleeping habits, that it no longer evokes that same feeling.

This is also the area Sam and i actually get to hang out and relax, talk loudly or just sit in agreeable silence. while i cook he keeps me company sometimes and the evening seems well-spent. With or without people in it, this room is definitely mine.

10th October: Favourite Room / Space