i have been going through a phase- lets call it a glitchy phase-stuck to me, not wanting to let go. it has to do with so many factors but seems to boil down to just one. babies can do that to you-their need for you is exhilarating in the best of times but in the worst it’s suffocating, clamping down on you refusing to let you breathe. when that happens you enter the glitchy phase.
you snap in a moment, you find it instinctively easy to pass scathing remarks designed to cut a person (mostly your husband) down to size, you want to scream, hurl objects (preferably breakable ones) and then just cry. you feel like a little person, a tiny speck in the world of personalities and someones. you forget what you were and focus on what you aren’t right now. it is that easy to reduce an entire era of achievements to a moment of nothingness. a year of being pregnant, delivering a baby and going through that difficult initial adjustment can make you doubt you ever had an intelligent thought in your mind. add to that a natural letting go of work projects and days of mundane sameness and your annihilation is complete.
say hello to a non-me. i have spent many minutes staring at my new post window trying to make sense of the thoughts in my head, trying to force them into sensible exciting sentences and then just closed the window. i have sat glaring at photoshop, willing myself to design a masterpiece for my website. i have endured the company of people who suddenly feel you have a lot in common because a baby came out of you, ignoring the obvious signs of my disinterest, or is it blankness? if we cant talk about things other than motherhood than we cant talk about motherhood. its that simple.
this morning i found myself venting to a friend (one i can discuss motherhood with) on whats app and she said just remember this is temporary so enjoy the nothingness and make the most of your baby. i wondered if it could be that easy to just say this is my life and i am happy with it, so what if i am not achieving any design milestones or any personal ones, i have a baby and that’s something to be extremely grateful for.
she is right of course but to come to terms with that i have to figure out the little things i CAN accomplish which have nothing to do with being a mom, and everything to do with being a person. it’s this person who needs to keep appearing so you can have a satisfying relationship with your child, it’s this alter ego that has to surface occasionally for you to keep being a sexy wife, and it is absolutely this person that must be centre stage for you to be you.
that’s when you can slowly head back to the beaten path having been reborn. its a new you – a work in progress you- and that is the real you.