of nothing at all.

today i had a day which can easily be written out of history- if i was writing my autobiography, today would not be mentioned, not even thought of-it was a day which almost convinced me that the descent into becoming a desperate housewife was almost complete. at times like this, of extreme despair what can you do? other than lament your previous life of busyness, however fraught with other issues it was?

i took a page out of a close friend, who’s words of advice still echo in my head. when you’re feeling useless, when you’re feeling at odds, MAKE A LIST! and that’s exactly what i did. i made a list entitled, “A GIANT LIST OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING” i put on it everything could think of-every little thing, every big thing, some things of no consequence except that they have been floating in my head for ages, some things much bigger than you can imagine, just about anything i could think of. i have made similar lists before, and though i have never ticked off everything, i still feel full of purpose for days after making the list and when i wake up i know there is something concrete i CAN do. this fake sense of direction is a huge help on days like today.

i am going to digress for a bit and talk about something else. how inextricably linked work is with our sense of self. if we are working, we feel supreme, we feel we could take on the world, we feel smart, we feel sexy, we feel full of excitement, bring on life, bring on the world, we are ready! take away the work, and suddenly where we stood, stands a lesser version of us, a less shinier person, a doubting thomasina, a plain jane. i know and you know, it cant be about the work. what it probably is about is the agenda-filled life we lead when working. even if some days it’s just checking emails all day and having coffee, the fact that we wake up get ready and either go out to our office, or stay in to our office, we have an agenda and we are busy.

i secretly think its the secretary mentality. when we were growing up we only played at basic typical roles-doctors / nurses / teachers / secretaries. all these roles especially that of the secretary had a sense of accomplishment that was understandable to a 6 year old. you had lists of people to call, papers to file, calls to make, people to meet, things to arrange, a fictional pencil holding the bun in place and life was complete. as we grew up, we associated that level of engagement with being productive, and when we were down and low, that secretary came back and haunted us and made us feel incomplete and a failure. i think today was a secretary haunting day for me.

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of nothing at all.

3 thoughts on “of nothing at all.

  1. sharbet says:

    I completely agree with the feeling that having a job brings value and worth. I am not working these days but even though I have a deadline for a wedding to plan and other bits and bobs, it’s just not the same. Life feels very incomplete indeed.

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