have emerged from a week of a weird state of part oblivion and part heightened awareness. now that the numbness has worn off, i see that there is a fair bit of way to go before i get to that fantasy place of mental peace and emotional harmony. the fluctuating mood swings are getting scary-madness, hysteria, crazed laughter, frenetic dancing, and then crashing down to the dungeon of unworthiness where imagination drives me to the point of insanity, where i want to shut down my visuals and just lie in deep velvelty black emptiness. anything, even no feeling is better than this.
whenever i feel afraid, i strike a careless pose,
and whistle a happy tune,
and no one ever knows i’m afraid.
the result of this deception is very safe to say,
for when i fool the people i fear,
i fool myself instead.
thunderstorms and lightning expected in the next couple of days-however frightening it gets at least i am lucky to have an umbrella.
extremely loud music can drown out the noise in my head.
sometimes the hardest thing to do is to not do anything. you want to scream but you dont-you want to shut off your brain but you cant. what you do is exist like a zombie waiting for the sun to rise again, and the day to come when you wake up and smile looking forward to a new day.
i know it will come-but i will have to go to hell and back.