I have the flu; prolonged by lack of antibiotics according to my business partner, and lack of excitement according to me. The days seem to be weirdly similar with nothing to really wake up to. I don’t seem to be jumping out of the bed-or even close to it-eager to face the world. I definitely don’t seem to be going to bed with inspiring thoughts of the next day’s agenda. Am I going through a pre-mid life crisis? A crisis of major proportions considering I have a company to co-run and a partner to inspire. We have been discussing our next step, with many reservations. I have realized that in any partnership/relationship, so many assumptions are made; so many myths are hovering around, that to move forward in any way we must continuously fight to retain a hold on reality. What we tend to do is base actions on what we think is true of the other person-I don’t think she will want to do this, I know he is thinking x,y,z, so why bother asking, she wont understand, he should know me-without questioning what we know.
It is imperative to question, to re-learn, to re-understand, to know again what we think we know, to ask the other person before judging them, or writing them off. If the relationship is to move forward then well-timed getting-to-know-again sessions are essential. In my own relationship when I have been busy, or she has been involved elsewhere, when we both have been giving little priority to working as a company, meeting daily, interacting, communicating, that is when the problems arise. That is when the confusion reigns supreme, and suddenly we start doubting everything including whether we should even continue as a company. These moments of low are made worse when I switch off.
As an intelligent creative woman I need to be able to turn my switch on-I should not need someone to do that for me. This is what came to me, this afternoon, in my incidal initiated sleep. When I woke up things were clearer. Being women of today, we take on a million roles, we are our own best support system. If we can be innovative and proactive in our methods of pursuing someone we love, something we desire, then we can definitely be inspirational in igniting our own fire, our own passion to live fully, and to go ahead with all guns blazing.
Read something which literally pulsates with life in its words. It also really made me think of the amazing quality in all of us to live-despite all odds.
‘Here after all is the sturdy squalor of the park, visible under its coat of grass and flowers; here are the drug dealers and the lunatics, the stunned and the baffled, the people whose luck, if they had any, had run out. Still, she loves the world for being rude and indestructible, and she knows other people must love it too, poor as well as rich, though no one speaks specifically of the reasons. Why else do we struggle to go on living, no matter how compromised, no matter how harmed? Even if we are further gone than Richard, even if we are fleshless, blazing with lesions, shitting on the sheets; still, we want desperately to live. It has to do with this she thinks. Wheels buzzing on concrete, the roil and shock of it; sheets of bright spray blowing from the fountain as young shirtless men toss a Frisbee and vendors send pungent meaty smoke up from their quilted silver carts; old men and women straining after the sun on their benches, speaking softly to each other, shaking their heads; the bleat of car horns and the strum of guitars; leaves shimmering on the trees; a spotted dog chasing pigeons and a passing radio playing “always love you” as the woman in the dark dress stands under the arch singing iiiii.’
‘Michael Cunningham in The Hours’
Today I felt like my head was about to explode with unwanted thoughts. I wrote furiously in my diary for about 7,8 pages without stopping-just wrote whatever came into my head. It started off with random words a little hesitant in coming onto paper, but developed into a full scale attack where the words didn’t care, they just wanted out. I thought that would help my head. It did but only slightly. Later on in the evening, 2 friends dropped by. We hung out for a couple of hours, didn’t discuss anything of importance, just talked ridiculously and laughed hysterically. By the end of the evening I felt better than I had the entire day, my head was light and life seemed understandable. No issue seemed insurmountable, just subject matter for a fun evening with people who could make me feel like a million dollars. I love friends. They really can do magic. Now this is the stuff fairytales should be made of.
How many people can you surround yourself with to replace one person?
How much fun can you have to forget one person?
How far can you go to let go of one person?
How many people can you surround yourself with?
Having gone through rough roads of their own making, 5 individuals came together at just the right time, looking for nothing more than conversation, expecting nothing except relaxed encounters without intensity. They hit it off. Each provided degrees of inanity, serenity, madness, hyperactivity, thought. Each needed to be. No questions asked. It seemed to be without direction, this slowly developing relationship. It seemed not to need any pushing, any peddling, any power.
It just was exactly what each of us wanted and needed. All 5 of us.
Maybe that existence was of our own making, and maybe each of us was existing in our own peculiarly different reality. Maybe. I like to think that we knew how special it was-that complete affinity we had as a group of thinking individuals. I would like to believe we, each of us, knew the unmentioned connection. As I write this, I hear the movie fools rush in outside on the television-so it seems apt to say that there were signs everywhere. God was showing us clips of how things could or should be-relaxed and completely natural, without forced laughter, without so much thought the thought stopped having any meaning.
It was the most lovely experience with so much expressing, there was never anything left to explain or say. As with every happy time the change must come, its just designed that way. For 2 of us the change meant a more joyous place where they understood the signs and gave in being friends for being much more. I am ecstatically pleased for them, my faith is renewed and I am a little stronger in my belief that things do happen for a reason, whether we understand them or not. Here’s to K with some jam. A Caffe mocha here, and a banana bread there, a strong cup of perfect coffee and a chocolate mousse cake, a barry white track, a louis Armstrong single, some Belgian chocolate, and taboo-all ingredients for romance. As the movie approaches its happy ending this song plays and I want to dedicate it to all the fools out there.
its now or never a whole new time. Kiss me darling, be mine tonight…tomorrow will be too late…its now or never.
If you ever felt so strongly about someone, that it made your eyes sting with the sharpness of the feeling, if there were moments you shared with someone, which were more real than any other day or month, if you connected with someone soul to soul, then dont ever let anyone make you doubt it, dont ever be convinced that it didnt happen, dont be fooled-you were there, you felt it.