Lying on your back, has to be when you are at your most vulnerable. Suddenly all your sense of bravado, feeling of security, and strength disappears and all you are left with is the knowledge that you really have no control over what happens. Maybe we should make this a part of our daily life. Spend at least 15 minutes of each day lying flat on the ground staring up, imagining different scenarios. The realization of no control brings with it a certain acceptance and therefore relaxed surrender. Even the metal tools in my dentist’s hand coming towards me ominously, did very little to ruffle my composure, and i survived an outing in the chair, with if not flying colours, then definitely trying-to-take-off colours.
In the past 4 years, i have gone through many many changes, both physical, and mental, but the one thing which has not changed, is my wisdom-or the lack thereof. To put it clearly, my wisdom tooth, which for the last 4 years has been festering,has now given me an ultimatum. TAKE ME OUT OR ELSE. So here i am, at 1 am, thinking of my dentist appointment tomorrow, and wishing the pain, and preferably the tooth to just disappear.
Wish me luck, and a hand to hold and press my nails into. 🙂
How big can a fear be? Bigger than the pain, bigger than the object of fear, it keeps growing till you jump out in front of it, and challenge it. Till you look straight into its eyes, it will not back down. It will become bigger than your imagination-an all consuming, irrational, immeasurable fear. When we allow it to envelop us in its blackness, we are doing that only to hide from an insecurity, to use it as a comforting security blanket. What we don’t want to face becomes a fear. The trick is to break it down into little simple pieces which are easy to swallow. Think of the worst thing that could happen, and once you know what that is, think of how silly it is, how little. Once you get back the control, the feeling of I-can-do-this, the fear vanishes into thin air.
Watched ‘Sylvia’ today. I remember when i read ‘The Bell Jar’ there were times when i felt my throat was constricted, the air around me was growing stale, and i was suffocating. That feeling of someone tightening the knot around my neck was so strong, i felt the burning stinging sensation in my eyes. Then too, as now, i wondered how one person grows into a tortured, anguished soul constantly looking for release and escape, and the other remains calm. Why was she in such agony her entire life, and why am i or you not? I just wonder where the distinction comes in. Sometimes i have to question extraordinary intelligence and intensity. Is it really an asset or just a burden one carries throughout life? Right now just the thought of feeling so strongly, emotions struggling to stay within, is tiring. After a certain age, do we need consistency more than passion? Do we need comfort more than raging hormonal love?
I dont know the universal answers, but i do know that though i need consistent support and love, i also need the passion. Though i want to know the dynamics of loving the person i love, i also want the spice of the unknown-the constant newness of discovering more and more.